A Rather Rude Entry About Songs That Should Be Retired
Mr. Lug and I were watching TV the other day and noticed that the Violent Femmes' Blister in the Sun was used in a commercial and I declared that songs should be allowed to retire. I mean really. There are certain songs that I think should hang up their hats and go to Florida to wrinkle and burn like, well like a blister in the sun really. So here's my list of songs I could go without hearing again for the rest of my life. Please forgive me if any of these are your favorite or your wedding song or something.
- Jane Says by Jane's Addiction. Please, please, please can I never hear this godforsaken song again? I loved this song in high school and apparently so did everyone else and people, we need to let it go. It's not healthy to dwell in the past. Let's put it away with the old yearbooks and pressed prom corsages.
- Evenflow by Pearljam. Radio in the Philadelphia area thinks that this song is still cool. Now, it was cool. I did like it. But that was approximately 12 years ago or more. And the radio stations in this area have continued to play it since then - as if it was a new song. Please put it out of it's misery and let it cut it's hair and get an RV and see the rest of the country.
- American Pie by Don McLean. I can't even comment on this song, my dislike for it runs so deep. This song makes my ass twitch.
- December, 1963 by the Four Seasons and Crocodile Rock by Elton John. Ugh. When these come on at weddings I go hang out with the smokers outside.
- Any Dido song that didn't come out in the current year. Yes. They are catchy. I like them when they first come out - but by one year later, they are spoiled. Like moldy cheese. Ditto for Dave Matthews Band Songs - which should probably all be retired by now.
- The End of the Innocence by Don Henley, Tears in Heaven by Eric Clapton, and Fields of Gold by Sting - these fall into the same category for me. They were popular at a particular time and remind me George HW Bush, A Different World, and Shirts with solid fronts and see through sleeves, and a time in my life where I thought that headbands looked good on me.
- Give It Away by Red Hot Chili Peppers - really there's a number of Red Hot Chili Peppers that I can't stand anymore. Their time is over! You know when you're in the car, and you're pleasantly surprised when a really good song comes on the radio that you haven't heard in a while, and you turn it up and rock out? All Red Hot Chili Peppers songs have the opposite effect on me.
- Billy Idol. I recently was stuck in the Quest Diagnostics for 3 hours for my glucose test and watched a talk show on groupies. A woman who claimed to be a Billy Idol groupie told a story about sleeping with Billy Idol at his house and in the middle of the dirty deed looking up at the TV and seeing his video come on MTV. I still can't really wrap my head around that story. While I'm on the subject of Billys - how about retiring any Billy Ocean songs while you're at it?
- Dream On by Aerosmith - actually a lot of Aerosmith songs could be retired. Rag Doll? Janie's Got a Gun? Remember how deep Janie's Got a Gun seemed at the time? Remember all those pre-vegan Alicia Silverstone videos and the discovery of Liv Tyler as a celebrity?
As you can tell I could go on and on insulting classic artists like there's no tomorrow. This is why satellite radio is on the rise. What songs would you like to see locked up in the retirement vault forever?
Posted by jen at February 15, 2007 06:46 PM
Comments
Back off beeyatch, Dream On was totally my wedding song.
Just kidding. And I can't believe I even typed the word beeyatch, a word I have never, ever said. I don't even know how to spell it.
I just heard American Pie in the car with my roommate about an hour ago, and really wanted to ask him to change the radio station but just couldn't, because just the song before I had bitchily said "I can't believe we're listening to Supertramp and not lungeing for the dial". I didn't know how good I had it until Supertramp was done and Don McLean came on. Jeez, that sentence sounds so melodramatic but really, I'd be pretty happy if I never heard American Pie again, ever.
I think "broken wings" (Mike and the Mechanics, I think?) should be added to the Don Henley/Sting category. And Rod Stewart ought to be on here too, in my opinion. Whenever he comes on the car radio Peter and I crash into each other in our desperate lunge to change the station. Actually, we do that with Elton John and Aerosmith too, come to think of it.
Posted by: jodi at February 15, 2007 07:49 PM
I agree on every song except December, 1963. I can't help it. I LOVE THAT SONG. I have put it on every mix CD I've ever made my sister, fer realz.
Posted by: Carrie at February 15, 2007 08:35 PM
yesterday while at lunch with Randy, Macy Gray came on. I said to him, "If I never hear this womans voice again it will be too soon."
And man oh man could I go on about a ton of songs. I have laundry in the dryer that needs to be taken out though. I don't want to be "that person" that ties up the machines :)
Posted by: Stacey at February 15, 2007 09:41 PM
FABULOUS Post!! I would be so happy if the Red Hot Chili Peppers retired completely. They are SO overplayed on the radio around here (along with Pearl Jam). Can't Stand it!!!
Posted by: Kate at February 16, 2007 09:42 AM
You know you are over the hill when they start to use "your" songs to advertise sensible cars. You know you are slipping into senility when they start to use "your" songs to advertise denture cleaner and adult diapers. You know the world has ended when they use "your" songs to advertise retirement annuities. You know that you are completely out of it when you don't recognize most of the titles you posted about.
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Posted by: Joni at February 16, 2007 06:40 PM
If I had to pick one, I think I would retire "Smooth" from Rob Thomas and Santana. Overplayed a little?
Posted by: Kelly at February 21, 2007 10:15 AM
I love this post... I agree with every one. I would add the living years to the eric clapton section, and also every 8o's song that was popular enough to be placed on a compilation CD... can you even begin to imagine how many CD's walkin on sunshine is on...I can't even begin to guess...
Posted by: stacy at February 22, 2007 01:08 PM
Hot Hot Hot. This song is played at every wedding and makes me want to poke my eyes out out out.
We Are Family, Sister Sledge.
Don't Worry Be Happy, Bobby McSomething
Any song by James Taylor
Posted by: Kim at February 28, 2007 03:53 PM
Good post -- I think too that the lame song "Strokin'" by Clarence Carter should also never be played again.
Posted by: Nat at March 8, 2007 02:10 PM
